50 Ways to Leave Your Blubber

Today is Silly Sunday, a day for the ridiculous regarding the fats, healthy alternative lifestyles, mega eating and whaling out, skinniness, all of it. It's my day to laugh at myself, making sure I'm not taking all of this soooo seriously that I forget to see the forest for the tress, and don't smell the roses which are beginning to bud and bloom in NYC botanical gardens, home gardens, patios and terraces.

Courtesy of Paul Simon's savvy, "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover," I've reconfigured Simon's lyrics toward my fat and fatties everywhere, throughout the world, though there are probably enough in North America (US, Canada) and Oceania-Australia to compensate for most of those on other continents, i.e. Africa. The song is for encouragement ONLY. Enough said. I'm a big proponent of "she who laughs at herself first, laughs the loudest and the best at the last."

                                                         50 Ways to Leave Your Blubber

"The problem is all inside your head," God said to me.
"The answer's easy if you take it logically
I'm going to give you strength to fight obesity
There must be fifty ways to leave your BLUBBER."

God said, "It's really not my habit to intrude.
I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat, at risk of being crass and crude,
There must be fifty ways to leave your BLUBBER.
Fifty ways to leave your BLUBBER."

"Just shut the fridge door, Flor
Make a life plan, Fran
You're not a yo-yo toy, Joy,
Of obesity."

"Hop on the health train, Jane
And stop the complain refrain
Just switch to Fat-Free, Bea
And get yourself free."

God said, "It grieves me so to see you in such pain
I know there's something that will make you smile again!"
I said, "Thank's, God, and could you please again, explain,
About the fifty ways?"

God said, "Why don't you end your inner struggle with the Night
And just have Faith that you'll begin to see the Light,"
Then He empowered me; I knew that He was right.

And now I see the 50 ways to leave my BLUBBER
Fifty ways to leave my BLUBBER.

"Just shut the fridge door, Flor,
Make a life plan, Fran,
You're not a yo-yo toy, Joy,
Of Obesity."

"Hop on the health train, Jane,
And stop the complain refrain,
Just switch to Fat-Free, Bea,
And get yourself free."

"Just shut the fridge door, Thor,
Make a life plan, Stan,
You're not a yo-yo toy, Roy,
Of Obesity."

"Hop on the health train, Rain,
And stop the complain refrain,
Just switch to Fat-Free, Lee,
And get yourself free."

I do apologize to any atheists out there who are reading this. I do not mean to offend you, but I was having difficulty thinking up a convenient monosyllabic word. If you have any better ideas, you are welcome to post them. But then you'll have to reconstruct the entire fatuousness of the song and make it more serious, losing the point of FOOLISHNESS. After all, for me, this IS Silly Sunday. For any Christians or religous persons who are upset at the above, you should know better! And if you don't, I can't explain it to you.

As for the guys who need to laugh at their BLUBBER, I am not female chauvinistic. The second choral refrain is for you!

You see, blubber is not as frightening as it is made out to be.

C. Di Tosti, May 15, 2011